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Early to rise

Scientists from FLLAB (Fat Loss Laboratory for Abdominal Beautification) were shocked earlier this week by a new study that suggests a powerful way to lose weight.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t have to do with the recent discovery of “good fat and brown fat that might burn calories if we give you some drugs” or glorified caffeine pills that claim to boost your metabolism. It doesn’t even have anything to do with Acai gummy berry juice from the mountains of Peru.

When asked about this exciting new discovery, the lead scientist from FLLAB, Dr. Henry Gutbuster said, “What we’ve discovered is so new we’re not even sure how to pronounce it. But it’s a combination of something called ‘diet’ and ‘eggsercise’. And we’re working on getting these into pill form right away!”

And while some daydreaming scientists believe the so-called discovery of “good brown fat” might some day help you burn calories, boost metabolism, and lose weight, when asked about the brown fat research, the good doctor just snorted and said, “If it really works, it doesn’t seem to be doing much good now, does it?”

Another scientist from FLLAB said, Dr. Wilhemena Firmbuns said, “Listen, they’ve been looking for this so-called ‘good fat’ forever, because they found brown fat in mice a long time ago. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if humans have brown fat or not because its not going to stop people from getting fat if they eat at Mickey D’s 3 times per day”.

Meanwhile, throughout the entire interview we did with scientists at FLLAB, a visiting junior scientist from Russia, Dr. C. Ballantov, just kept on yelling, “You can’t out-drug a bad diet!” in the background while senior scientists tried to quiet him down.

“But it’s true you know,” said Dr. Gutbuster while trying to quiet Dr. Ballantov by hitting him with a stick.

“We haven’t been able to find an exercise program that allows our subjects – even our mice! – to eat whatever they want all the time and still lose weight. So you certainly can’t out-exercise a bad diet, and we’ll probably never find a drug that allows you to simply take a pill and lose your belly fat without simply cutting back on junk food and doing some exercise. The hope for a miracle weight loss pill is hopeless.”

So these new research studies on the so-called good fat (also known as “brown fat” in scientific research papers) is just another irrelevant scientific weight loss theory to the average guy and gal on the street.

There are no drugs available that will boost your metabolism. There  aren’t even any drugs available that really do a good job of controlling appetite.

Heck, the only “weight loss drugs” on the market right now come with a warning about how you’re almost guaranteed diarrhea if you use them.

When asked to compare that weight loss drug with his new finding that “exercise and diet” might help with weight loss, Dr. Gutbuster said, “So far, we haven’t found any subjects pooping their pants because of eating less and exercising more. So this “eggcercise and diet” approach looks promising compared to that drug that is currently on the market.”

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COMMENTS

  1. 04/9/2009

    That poor Russian guys sure has got some balls lol. Alas, they managed to silence him…

  2. Alex
    04/9/2009

    In Soviet Russia, fat burn you!

    • Craig Ballantyne
      04/9/2009

      Classic Alex!

  3. 04/9/2009

    FLLAB, too funny and I for one find the sarcasm in your article delish!

    BTW, my blog post today embeds your “out train bad diet” video – I had been working on a post regarding same topic as it was WAY up in discussion with my group coach program and then your vid came out – perfect! http://tinyurl.com/d53rer

    Thanks for the visual!
    Lani

    • Craig Ballantyne
      04/9/2009

      nice work Lani!

  4. Derek
    04/9/2009

    lmao Craig…quality humor…nice post!

  5. 04/9/2009

    Funny, I shorted this stock a little while back and made some coin. Fat loss pill seller!!

    http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=ARNA

  6. 04/9/2009

    Heres the link to the story of them defending their “miracle drug”

    http://tinyurl.com/ckze5p

  7. Ebony
    04/19/2009

    Thanks Dr. Ballantov LMAO!!

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