We did it.
Thanks to all the TT’ers who helped me out to overcome Svbraigz CallEnsonn’s evil plans and win back Bally the Dog.
It was an incredible adventure, and culminated in an epic workout battle. Here’s how it all went down.
First, thanks to Lily Marionz, I was able to locate Svbraigz’ evil lair hidden away off the coast of a small Caribbean island. When me and my team of intrepid TT’ers arrived, we snuck onshore and tricked Svbraigz’ evil henchman Crog into eating a giant steak filled with 37 horse tranquilizers. That knocked him out and we were able to slip through the defenses to gain access to Svbraigz’ inner compound.
That’s where we snuck into Svbraigz command control center where he and Evil Roman were plotting their next evil move.
Suddenly we realized that Roman wasn’t evil, but he had simply been brainwashed by Svbraigz – so I knew there must be some way to break the spell.
Scrambling, I suddenly realized how to break the spell. Fortunately I just happened to have VIP tickets to the new Harry Potter movie in my pocket and I slid them into the control room right to Roman’s feet. He looked down and squealed with delight.
The spell was broken.
Romanz grabbed Svbraigz and punched him in the face, then ran out of the lair and swam back to Manhatten to catch a Harry Potter matinee followed a rousing game of quidditch with his Harry Potter buddies. So that solved one problem, and left just me and Svbraigz.
Mano a mano.
Good vs evil.
An EPIC workout battle ensued.
Svbraigz lunged at me from a deficit for 30 reps, alternating sides.
I responded with 40 reps of the knee-punch combo (20 per side).
He then tried throwing a Vulgarian Split Squat my way, but his 1 and 1/2 rep pace was too slow for my counter of a vicious chin-up with knee-up. I continued 2 reps short of failure, and I felt like I was getting the upper hand in the fight, but suddenly Svbraigz turned the tide of the fight by getting me with a Venom pushup for 8 reps (per side!).
I tried to Harley Quinn Lunge my way out of it (a new move that Roman taught me, it’s featured in the Super Villains workout), but he did an astounding 12 reps per side and knocked me over a pit filled with hungry crocodiles (standard issue in any evil lair floor plans, as you can imagine).
At that point I had to hold a superman ball plank for as long as possible. It was excruciating.
I was nearly in panic mode…my arms held strong but my abs could only take a few seconds more…I was just about to break…
Then I remembered one of my favorite exercises – the cross-body stability ball mountain climber. I drove my knee to my opposite elbow and spun out of that precarious predicament.
I rolled out of harm’s way gasping for air.
But evil Svbraigz stood above me, wearing his eye-patch and taking a patentedly evil super villain pause to savor the moment before finishing me off with his trademarked “side to side hop into bodyweight squat” finishing maneuver. Surely he would do that for 12 reps per side.
“Ballantyne,” he sneered, “I’ll give you one last chance to change your mind. Give me those six pack abs or I’ll make Bally use the elliptical machine for 60 minutes on an empty stomach every morning!!! Mwahuahahahhaha!”
“Never!” I replied. I would never let poor Bally the dog suffer such a cruel fat.
“You wont get away with this CallEnson,” I warned him. “There are over 400 TT readers using the TT Fantastic 400 bodyweight challenge as we speak. And they’ll soon be down here to crush you – for they will be the ones with six pack abs – not you!”
I knew this would anger him, and send him off into a tirade…buying me more time to recover between workout battle
“Tell me where Bally is,” I demanded.
“Never,” he replied.
Then the fight spilled into Svbraigz underground kitchen.
I quickly knocked him off balance with 12 reps per side of the Spiderman Climb and we both went flying backwards. He toppled into his cupboards and the contents spilled out all over the floor – boxes and boxes of frosted, sugary cereals.
I looked up at him, my hair wildly out of place, and said to him with a joker’s grin, “Why so much cereal?”
“Dont you know that’s why, no matter how evil you are, you’ll never eliminate your bell fat with that type of diet?” I asked.
But he was in no mood to take my fat burning advice. He attacked again with a Grasshopper Pushup. We struggled, and then I quickly had an epiphany. If I could just get to the fridge and get access to Crog’s stash of steaks, Bally’s nose would smell the yummy treats and he’d bark to give away his location.
As I threw the steaks out the fridge, I immediately heard barking in the lower level of the compound. I did adrenaline sprints down to the dungeon where I found poor ol’ Bally the Dog surrounded by cardio machines. I immediately released him, and he wagged his tail mightily.
I frantically looked for an exit, but Svbraigz had recovered and chased us down. The battle continued.
So I faked Svbraigz into thinking I was going to do Pike Pushups, and instead i did 40 reps of split shuffles. That allowed me to knock him off balance with 20 more reps of seal jumps. Pow-Pow-Pow to the face, over and over again.
He was at my mercy, lying on the ground, a beaten man.
But wait, he pulled out a remote control device and detonated a bomb underneath his evil lair.
The entire compound exploded and the platform above his molten lava pit split into two, with Svbraigz plunging 30 feet into the hot megma.
Finally, I had destroyed Svbraigz, but at what cost?
The platform tilted dramatically and Bally and I found ourselves sliding towards the hot lava. I was doomed.
Crog’s steaks and Bally the dog were sliding even faster towards the edge.
I didn’t know what to do…then suddenly Crog appeared out of nowhere. He noticed his steaks about to fall into the lava and he went after them.
Just as his steaks and Bally the Dog slid closer and closer to the fiery hot pit, at the last moment Crog extended his mighty arm and scooped up ol’ Bally, saving him from being turned into a hot dog. But Crog’s steaks disappeared into the abyss.
Then using his superhuman strength, Crog clawed his way back to safety on the main floor with me. All while Bally the Dog licked Crog’s face, much to the old ogre’s enjoyment.
As soon as they were safe, Bally ran over and jumped on me.
I thanked Crog, promised him some really good steaks, and we ran back to my boat.
All of this happened Thursday afternoon.
Hurray for Bally the Dog,
Craig Ballantyne, CSCS, MS
Certified Turbulence Trainer
Here’s a picture of a cookie, with my photo on it, and my head bitten off. I found this in Svbraigz evil lair. ====>