Your Colonoscopy

Hey, I apologize for the private and intimate matter of today’s email… but it might just save your life.

But before we get into today’s great content, I must WARN you…

If you are easily offended or simply don’t enjoy hearing a good, yet juvenile joke about bodily functions, then you can skip to the end of the email for the big lesson. I promise you it’s still worth it. But if you like a little college humor, as I do, then you’ll enjoy the lighter side of today’s message.

Today you’re getting an invasive look at my colonoscopy (poohn intended).

Hey, I said you could skip ahead.

Yes, you’re getting a veritable colon-blow-by-blow account of the procedure. And I’m telling you all about it because it could SAVE your life.

Thanks to modern medicine, a colonoscopy isn’t that bad at all. As the nurse said during my check-in, I’d already gone through the hard part – the 48 hour jello-juice-and-Purg-Odan diet.

I’ve been studying the human body for over two decades, and even I was amazed by what Purg-Odan, a powerful laxative, can do. It’s like putting a bulldozer in your digestive system.

The colonoscopy itself was quick and painless. Heck, I wished the surgery lasted longer because the anasthetic was so good! There was only one point in the entire process when I thought I might die. I’ll reveal all the dirty details below, but first I must explain why on earth would I tell you about my colonoscopy?

I want you to Take Action. I want you to get the health tests done that you need in your life. You’re probably procrastinating on something… it could be as simple as going to the dentist, or as serious as delaying your physical for another year. Don’t be that person. This isn’t about YOU anymore. It’s about your family.

My old man passed away at the far-too-young age of 69 because of colon cancer. His biggest health mistake in life was being an alcoholic. He drank about 12 beers a day for 20 years. But it didn’t help that he didn’t go to the doctor for 25 years. He didn’t have any screening done.

Screen shot 2016 03 15 at 4.01.34 pmSure, he went to the emergency room that time he cut his face open with a chainsaw, and that other time that he tried to fight 4 cops at once, but he never went to the family doctor for a simple check-up or any health test. My ol’ man, God bless him, was a roughneck country boy and he paid the ultimate price for it.

Compare that to the father of one of my high-school friends. Her father had regular colonoscopies, and they caught his colon cancer early. That was in 2005. He’s still alive today.

My father passed away in 2008, just 18 months after his was first detected. In those final 18 months he and I spent a lot of time together, driving up and down the country side roads looking at corn fields, visiting used farm equipment dealerships, and even going to cattle auctions.

But I was robbed of years of ‘chilling on a dirt road’ with him because my father stubbornly avoided going to the doctor for health screening. Of course, I can’t blame him, because he knew the lecture he would have received about his drinking. Still, he shirked his responsibility and we suffered for it.

That brings us back to you. If you skip tests, avoid having a physical, eat junk, skip exercise, and live a stressful life, ultimately you are robbing your children – down the road – of time spent with you. That’s selfish.

So Step-Up. Schedule your tests. Get them done. Think of your family. Think of the little people in your life.

Besides, it’s not that bad. In fact, the entire event was kind of FUN. I even managed to sell a couple of copies of my workout programs to two people in the waiting room while I was lying in my hospital bed.

There was only that one point of discomfort. It happened right after the surgery, when I woke up to a painfully distended belly caused by the air pumped into my digestive tract to help the doctor see around all the nooks and crannies. I felt like the fat villain from Austin Powers. In fact, I was so uncomfortable that it was nauseating.

Fortunately, three nurses crowded around me, encouraging me to “let it rip.”

Ha, when was the last you had three lovely ladies waiting on you, rubbing your belly, and hoping that you’d pass gas?

I felt like Bally the Dog!

And soon the bloating subsided, and I was able to go home.

Thirty minutes later I was walking out of the hospital to get a ride home while eating my first solid food in over 55 hours. A protein bar had never tasted so good. Within ninety minutes post-surgery I was working like it was just another Monday.

Now the countdown is on. Only seven more years till my next package of Jello and another chance to pass gas in public without consequences.

But back to you. Listen, you don’t have to tell anyone that you’re getting a colonoscopy, not that there’s anything wrong with that, as Seinfeld would say. It doesn’t hurt. You won’t even know it happened.

I’m only telling the world because I live my life by Extreme Example. By detailing my surgery, I hope to get you to act.

If I can get just 1% of you to take action, to finally pick up the phone and schedule your appointment, to make a change in your healthy habits, then my work here is done. Of course, I’d like it to be every reader – so do me a favor. Do something!

Please, think of your family. Don’t let your selfishness and stubbornness stand in the way. Take action now. Call the doctor. Schedule the exam. Clean out your colon. Let a stranger look up your bum. Deal with the results. And make the changes you need to make.

Do it for the little people in your life. Whether you’re a new parent or a grandparent, someone in your family that wants you around for a long, long time. And so do I.

Taking care of your health,

Craig Ballantyne, CTT
Certified Turbulence Trainer

PS – A little more life advice about the little things in life…

Breathe, relax, and meditate or pray for 5-15 minutes today. Sit calmly. Listen to running water or ocean waves if you can. And then make time for the little things and little ones in your life today. Run your fingers through your children’s hair, watch them play, join in, hear them laugh, and truly appreciate them and make memories from them. (Doggies will work great for this, too!)

PPS – “Laugh more.

The average number of times a child laughs per day is 300. The average number of times an adult laughs per day is 5.” – James Altucher

  • pabo

    “poohn” intended – I didn’t catch the pun at first but when I pronounced this it had a very different meaning!

    • ttcert

      Haha, yes!

  • Congrats, Craig, on Man-ing Up! I had my first one done a few years ago and the prep is much worse than the actual procedure. I also congratulate you on getting past the anxiety that can accompany the procedure. I actually walked out of my first colonoscopy because they just left me laying in a surgical suite, hooked up to everything and anticipating the worst without any human contact for what seemed like an hour (actually, more than fifteen minutes which is inexcusable in that setting). You know? When that little voice tells you it’s just not the day to have it done? I listened and I still stand behind my decision. Won’t be having them do the next one either-HA!

    Jeff

    • ttcert

      Thanks Jeff, and yes, I can relate to that anxiety…fortunately they were updating me frequently.

      • That would have helped a bunch. They didn’t make the mistake the second time-HA! That’s kind of the trade-off between the outpatient surgery area of a hospital and a surgi-suite in a doctor’s office. Sure, it’s more familiar but it’s also a colonoscopy factory which has another issue of its own.

        Glad we both got through it!

  • Zarayna Pradyer

    Thanks you for your honesty and the timely reminder, Craig. May I just take this opportunity to remind your male readers to similarly undertake care of an even more embarrassing matter – testicular cancer? It’s quick and it’s free! For the sake of us ladies as well as yourselves, please just check yourselves regularly and get advice over any worries. Here in England, it is still not unusual to read of very young men dying because of their reticence. Please allow me to leave you with an alleged quote from the singer Robbie Williams who, as a patron of a testicular cancer charity, when asked if he regularly self examined replied, “I am a wealthy man. I get other people to do that sort of thing for me.” I laughed when I first heard that but you see, I remember it now and thus I can pass it on to you. Best wishes and good luck to you all.

    • ttcert

      Thank you, and great suggestion, Zarayna.

  • Rahul Badami

    Thanks Craig! I had been postponing going to a doctor for more than a week for a checkup. Your article pushed me and it wasn’t that bad once the decision was made and I was in the clinic.

    • ttcert

      Great to hear!