1. I could not give a sh*t if I spell your name right.
And if you try and spell your name out for me like I’m an idiot, I’ll just spell it like this no matter what it is: “ASDUA*DU*u9q8e9uida90sud*U*)SDUASDDUMBDUMBHEAD” and then several wingdings and a drawing of a middle finger. You’re welcome!
2. We know you know how to order in Starbucks terms.
We all know the Starbucks size names are dumb. Yes, it’s dumb that a “small” is a “tall”. Let’s just grow up and move on. Stop pretending that you just wandered in from the year 15 A.D. and have no clue how things work; you might as well point to a cash register and be like “What’s that magical contraption!? Out, devil fingers!!” That’s how dumb you sound. When you’re in Starbucks, you have to play by Starbucks rules. We know you know them.
3. RELATED: When you’re not at a Starbucks and you try to order a freaking Frappuccino, it drives those baristas batty.
The Frappuccino is a drink Howard Schultz (ALL HAIL, HOWARD SCHULTZ!) (You have to type that or he comes for you) invented to serve coffee to teenagers and create a loyal army of addicts and don’t let anyone tell you any differently. They don’t exist outside of Starbucks and so don’t go anywhere else looking for a Caramel Macchiato because they don’t serve that (delicious, delicious) garbage there.
4. You don’t have a clue what anything tastes like.
Like, if you order a non-fat latte and we gave you a full-fat cappuccino, 90-percent of you would fall for it. The other ten-percent would be former baristas. (Not that we would ever do that.) (Unless you’re the worst dick imaginable.) (And still probably not then.) (Probably.)
5. We don’t care if you hang out all day.
Especially if you’re adorable. Like, it makes no difference to us if you’re there all day every day working on the Great American Novel. As long as you’re tidy, friendly, and aren’t farting non-stop, we’re cool. (Again, especially if you’re adorable.)
6. We will give you perks if you’re nice to us consistently.
Maybe it’ll be a free extra shot here or a day-old pastry there, but it does pay to be kind to your friendly neighborhood barista.
7. We remember when you’re nice.
Please see above.
8. We remember when you’re not nice.
We have memories like elephants and we forgive as easily as Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven.
9. If you ask me to put Splenda in your drink, I think you’re a lunatic.
Like, that is so so gross. It’s almost physically impossible for me to put it into your drink. My body shakes. I get the sweats. Just no.
10. You’re not Barack Obama; that phone call can wait.
Does peace in the Middle East rest squarely on your shoulders? By all means, take the call. Everyone else? To the left. If you talk on your phone when you’re ordering your drink, I will ignore you. And you will deserve it.
11. If you ask me 15 times if something is decaf, I will give you a regular.
OK, I would never, ever do that and I don’t know any baristas who would, but you don’t have to tell us something to get it through our thick skulls. Once will suffice, two if you’re extra worried, but when you follow me around yelling “decaf! Is that decaf?!” like a broken record, I want to throw you and your drink out the window. If you are so worried about things getting screwed up, you should probably just make your own coffee at home and yell “decaf! decaf!” like the crazy person that you are.
12. Please tip me.
It makes us like you more and you might reap a benefit down the road. Plus, we don’t make tons of money and so if you are ordering a triple shot Venti vanilla mocha with two pumps of syrup and chocolate shavings on the bottom, maybe throw me a buck or something? I mean, I had to basically go through college just to learn to make that drink.
13. Please stop talking to me.
Being friendly and chatting for a second while picking up your drink is great, but any longer than that during a rush is the reason why there’s a line out the door. I once had a dude ask me out via a POEM that was THREE PAGES, SINGLE SPACED in the middle of the morning rush. Guess how many dates he got? Fine, two. Because I was in a fragile place. But still, that shit is most unwelcome and at least 75-percent of the reason everyone is still waiting for their beverage.