Helping Someone Grieve
Archives: Quality of Life
Winston recently lost his brother to cancer. When a dear friend failed to call him afterward, Winston was hurt. “Why didn’t Alison call?” he wondered. “She must not care.”
Maybe Alison felt uncomfortable… Maybe she didn’t know what to say… Maybe she wanted to give Winston a few days to compose himself. But whatever she was thinking, not calling as soon as she heard about his brother’s death was a mistake.
When people lose someone close to them, they don’t need silence. They need to feel that other people care – that they are not alone.
If you don’t know what to say, tell them that you don’t know what to say. If you feel awkward, tell them that you feel awkward. But no matter what you do, or how you convey your condolences, make sure you acknowledge their loss instead of avoiding it.
Saying something as simple as “I’m so sorry for your loss” will give your friend the sympathy he needs.
[Ed. Note: What's most important to you during times of loss? How would you like your friends and loved ones to show you they care? Let us know in the comments section right here.]
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When I lost my baby sister a couple of years ago, the thing that hurt the most was I was expected to be back up to speed after a couple of weeks. I’m just now feeling like normal again. Plus, it would have helped (and still would) if I could get help cleaning up and getting rid of stuff instead of being criticized for being lazy and having a messy house. I live in the house I grew up in and lived with my deceased sister, so there is a significant amount of stuff to do by myself. For awhile, I did not feel like doing anything.
Suzanne, you have brought up a topic I have written about and spoken about many times. Check this article, please:
http://www.businessknowhow.com/growth/comfort.htm
Also, here is a brief video I produced about what to say when talking with desperate people:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H4klJ-Ikyo
I advise my coaching clients and audiences to remember that “just being there says plenty.” Your words won’t be remembered, but your thoughtfulness will linger forever.
This is great advice that you give to friends of those who lose loved ones. I agree; people who grieve need company; not silence. Here are a few things NOT to say:
-You’re young; you can have another child.
-Are you over your dad/mom/brother yet?
-I know how you feel
-Smile, cheer up
-Suck it up, lighten up
=It’s just a dog/cat
-Think of people who have lost their entire families in genocides . . .
Acknowlege that your friend has a right to be sad before you open your mouth.
This is so true – also of divorce. When I split up with my husband I had some good friends I could talk to. But others just pretended nothing was happening. I wanted to scream at them “Look – my life is changing totally – don’t pretend things are just as normal, they are definitely NOT.” Acknowledging someone else’s pain or problems really helps them to feel they are sharing it, and lessening the burden. BTW – that was nearly 20 years ago, but I remember it so vividly.
When I have gone through these times friends and family always say “Call me if you need anything”. I’ll never call. I don’t know what I need because my thoughts are somewhere else or I don’t want to be a burden. But in the end I really could have used help and I’m left wondering where their support went. I think if you are going to say “Call me if you need help” you should not wait for the call if you really want to help. Just do something that will take a burden off them. Share some food, mow the lawn, wash their car, invite them over for coffee to get their minds off things. If you are not nearby send a gift card for something that will help. I once received a phone card and a note saying “please call me whenever you need to just talk”. That meant so much. Bottom line – don’t wait for them to reach out. Do anything to lighten the load for them.
Contact is appreciated very much, especially in such a way that the one experiencing loss does not have to rehearse the event too often eg a shortish phone call, a card, an email, flowers,etc. maybe saying no compulsion to reply? An appropriate picture or word or both can be looked at many times. Do not give sympathy (can be ‘pathetic with’)rather understanding and uplifting support. This too will pass.
It is the practical presence that counts. When my father died suddenly at home I will always remember the neighbours who came with food for the assembled family; the thoughtful neighbour who did my mother’s hair on the day of the funeral; those who came to tidy up the house before the “wake”; the flowers from the neighbourhood gardens that brightened up the house.
As a result, I always arrive with food or be prepared to do something practical. Sometimes grieving people forget to eat and with visitors and family arriving going to the store is often the last thing on people’s minds.
If you are not close enough to the bereaved to visit their home (and take food) just a hug or a hand on your arm or shoulder is enough. You don’t even have to say anything.
But please don’t ignore the situation because it is too awkward!!
My friend’s husband just made his transition. Since it was sudden, she had no preparation for this loss. Although it’s not the same, I compare it to my divorce. I found that many people didn’t know what to say so they stayed away. The friends who acknowledged my loss by hugging me, holding my hands for a moment, or bringing a small gift a card or even food, I will remember forever. It’s out of the comfort zone for many to console others. However, at one time or another, we all face losses and death of loved ones. It’s vital to our well-being to help others and then receive help when its our turn.
The best thing family and friends can do is – be quiet. Leave the Hallmark platitudes at home. The person grieving isn’t interested in hearing them, their only thought is ‘When will this nightmare end? Is there something I should have/shouldn’t have done?’.
Let the person know you don’t know how they feel, because you don’t know how they feel nor what’s going on in their heads. Assuming only makes it worse.
Grieving one of life’s journeys that can’t be shared, it’s a solo act. Don’t expect your loved one’s death is the same as mine, there is that assumption again.
I agree, if you can mow the lawn do it. Fix a meal, do it. If they need to talk, just listen. Don’t tell about your own death experiences, it’s not about you.
I have experienced a tremendous number of loss’s in my own life beginning at the age of 7 to my current age of 51. These loss’s have included the death’s of my parent’s; my mother when I was only 16, my Father, 4 year’s ago; my favourite uncle 10 years ago, my cousin to suicide 15 years ago. Divorce, broken relationships, lost jobs and simply the endless changes that life brings. Many people fail to understand that any change is a loss. Even moving onto something better in life is to give up something to enable space for something better to enter your life. This too is loss. Many of us claim to be great at handling change, but the truth is that most of us go kicking and screaming into it with fear of the letting go needed to move forward. Support from our friends and family is absolutely necessary. A kind telephone call. A beautiful card. A flower. Being invited for dinner. Ongoing time given to you; not just when the loss happens, but on a continued basis. It doesn’t have to be every day, we just need to feel we are not forgotten.
I have had so much experience with loss in my life and much therapy, in many forms for over 25 years to attempt to deal with all of it that I believe I could offer a great deal to your ETR Newsletter on the subject if you would be open to it. I would welcome your response to have an initial dialogue on this.
Sincerely,
Cheryl Ward
I married an older, abused, divorced woman with three daughters. When she died, the relatives and friends of the family gathered around the girls and gave them donations for funeral expenses, but ignored me.
The girls kept the money and left me with all of the bills. Then, after the funeral, they ransacked the house and took all of my wife’s professional papers, jewelry, photo albums, silverware and her best clothes.
All they left me with was $225,000 worth of medical bills, funeral expenses and disbursements from the will.
Twenty years later, I still have had nobody console me on my loss. When I tried to talk about it, my acquaintences would change the subject, or tell me ‘get over it’, that ‘nobody wants to hear about depressing stuff like that’.
After sixteen years of marriage, the only kind word I received was from one of my wife’s nieces who said, “She was so lucky to have met and to have been able to spend time with you. You made her feel safe and happy until the end.”
My own family has never come to visit and they only live fifteen minutes away.
I think most people mistake empathy for sympathy. They believe that to empathize with someone when they survive a disaster, or a major loss, is showing signs of weakness. It is not weak to understand and vocalize your feelings and express your desire to help. You don’t need to make a life-long commitment, just let the person know that you understand that he is hurting and that you are willing to help him through his pain.
Personally I like silence, the more silence, the better, with total silence the best.
I too prefer the silence. Almost everyone said what I thought were stupid comments, and this was about my dad passing away. Things like “was it sudden or expected?”, I looked at her stupified and said “I don’t know, he was 74″. Or “how old was he?, 74?, oh that’s not that old”, what the hell does that mean? I was so lucky to have my sister there with her amazing sense of humor and ironic outlook and knowing that our dad was laughing with us when other stupid comments were made like, “I guess this is a hard time for you two”, and through our tears, my sister says, “oh, why do you think that?”
We had one person take over all of our phone calls, so much appreciated. It’s hard enough to say ‘those’ words once, but to say them often to let people know, forget it. Just someone being there and being a buffer between you and the outside world was priceless.