"Bullies are always cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting their prey."

Anna Julia Cooper

Today:

Business bullies can make you do things you wouldn't do for or with anyone else. They pressure you into decisions you don't feel good about, don't enjoy enacting, and almost always regret later. Unlike the "pusher" who drives people to work harder than they want for the greater good of the business (see Message #1016), a bully thinks of nothing but his own interests.

Today, let's talk about how to get out from under a bully's thumb.

Plus:

A scientific explanation for the reason work is so satisfying

Why the "Methuselah Mouse Prize" is important to you

What the word "assiduous" means

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How to Free Yourself From the Seductive Power of a Business Bully

The secret power of the business bully is his charm.

If he were simply pushy, you would keep him at bay. He would never work his way into a domineering place in your psyche. Business bullies -- the dangerous and effective ones -- are more than one-dimensional. They have attractive qualities too. They are sometimes smart, sometimes funny, sometimes pretty, sometimes sexy, etc.

A business bully finds a way to make you like him -- if only a little. He needs a psychological hook to hang his tether on. And that hook is something in him that you find mildly or even considerably engaging.

Once he gets a positive reaction from you (a laugh, a smile, a positive comment), he works hard to deepen the relationship quickly. What he wants is not so much for you to like him but for you to want not to offend him. Your reluctance to hurt his feelings is his greatest weapon against you.

It's a miserable experience to be linked to a business bully. And it's hard to get yourself free. As an Early to Rise reader advised on "Speak Out", "You've got to watch for the warning signs of a bully and break off the relationship early. Thomas Jefferson once said that the art of living is learning to recognize situations that will lead to trouble. Mr. Jefferson was right, but you can't always recognize a bully right away. And money can cloud your judgment. But a good test is to ask yourself if the person in question is trying to coerce you into doing something you'd rather not do."

That's very true.

My spouse is my model when it comes to dealing with bullies. She has an uncanny nose for their foul ways. She detects them early and makes quick work of them. However funny, fun, intelligent, famous, rich, or whatever the bully may be, once she has detected his nature, she's done with him. While I'm still finding him charming and "not so bad," she has already determined that she will have nothing more to do with him. For sure and for good.

I have tried to emulate her and have found that, when I do, I'm happy I did.

If you find yourself besieged by business bullies now and then, do this:

Start by admitting to yourself and a trusted friend that you are being bullied. Say the words out loud. Say, "I am letting so-and-so bully me." This will give you some immediate relief. It will remove the added pressure of having to rationalize your unbalanced relationship with someone who clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Next, set a time limit for liberating yourself. It could be a week, a month, or three months, depending on how entangled your relationship is.

Set intermediate goals and write them down in your monthly, weekly, and even daily to-do lists. Give yourself specific objectives, such as "Today, I will respond to his taunts by saying, 'Jack, I don't think that is a fair comment.'"

Free yourself bit by bit. Gradually, the bully will notice that the relationship is changing. He will sense the power moving back to you. He may try to resist it, try to seduce you one more time -- try almost anything as he gets more desperate to regain control.

Hold strong.

Just take it step by step and -- before you know it -- you will be in charge of your own life once again.

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Today's Action Plan:

As hard as I try to avoid it, I still sometimes get involved with a business bully. I am either seduced by what he offers or challenged by the idea of overcoming him. Whatever my motivation, the experience is always unpleasant. And I always end up regretting it.

That said, here's my advice (to you AND to myself):

Keep your anti-bully radar tuned and exit pronto when you hear the beeping.

A Scientific Explanation for the Reason Work Is So Satisfying

In Message #1135, I told you about David Bach's book "The Automatic Millionaire". To refresh your memory, Bach says that there are six ways to get rich: win it, marry it, inherit it, sue for it, budget for it, and -- the way that works for most people -- set up a system to systematically and automatically save a percentage of your salary.

Now, there's medical evidence that people who accumulate wealth by earning it not only achieve financial security but also get more satisfaction from it than the lottery winners, trust-fund babies, and others who get their money without working for it.

Emory University researchers measured brain activity in two groups of volunteers. One group earned money by playing a simple computer game; the other group was given money without having to do anything. The researchers found that the striatum -- the pleasure center of the brain -- was stimulated only in the group that had to work for the money.

"When you have to do things for your reward, it's clearly more important to the brain," says Greg Berns, an associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral science at Emory. He points out that other studies have shown that people get a great deal of satisfaction out of the work they do. And he suggests that the brain is hard-wired this way. "I don't think we evolved to sit back and sit on the couch and have things fall in our laps," he says.

It's Good to Know: About This Year's "Methuselah Mouse" Prize

A recent issue of "Anti-Aging Medical News" reported that Dr. Andrezej Bartke of Southern Illinois Medical School received the Methuselah Mouse prize for his mouse named GHR-KO 11C. The mouse lived 1,819 days, dying just short of its fifth birthday. That's the human equivalent of 150 years.

What does this mean to you?

It means that, though we don't hear much about the assiduous (see "Word to the Wise," below), day-to-day work of researchers who are looking for ways to extend the human lifespan, they keep getting closer to that goal.

(Source: Dr. Al Sears' "Health Confidential for Men," a newsletter devoted to men's health. For information about it, click here: http://www.agora-inc.com/reports/BUL/WBULE265/.)

Word to the Wise: Assiduous

"Assiduous" (uh-SIJ-yoo-us) is another way of saying "persistence."

Example (as used in "It's Good to Know," above): "Though we don't hear much about the assiduous, day-to-day work of researchers who are looking for ways to extend the human lifespan, they keep getting closer to that goal."

Michael Masterson
Copyright ETR, LLC, 2004

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