Message #354
Monday, May 28, 2001
"Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it."
M. Scott Peck
HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF AND EVENTUALLY DEFEAT A BUSINESS BULLY
Sooner or later, we all end up working/dealing with someone who is not just pushy, but an emotional or intellectual bully. These people are not common, but they are powerful. They can make you do things you wouldn't do for/with anyone else. They usually pressure you into decisions you don't feel good about, don't enjoy when you do them, and -- almost always -- regret later.
That's leads to an important distinction -- between a bully and a pusher. A pusher is someone who does everything he can to get you to do things you might not want to do but only when you know -- and he knows -- that these are things you should do. When and if the pusher pushes you into doing such things, you feel good about yourself and grateful to him.
A pusher -- however pushy -- has your interests at heart. A bully thinks of nothing but his own.
You might think you could stop dealing with a bully the moment you figured out his game. But the typical bully doesn't let you do that. He has a bagful of emotional tricks that he uses to keep you in his orbit.
The secret power of the bully is his charm. If he were only pushy and obnoxious, he would never work his way into your psyche. But he doesn't start out that way. He begins his relationships with wit and humor, compassion and intelligence, promise and benefit. He makes you like him and then tries to make you dependent on his reactions. You start to care about offending him. You dread having to argue with him.
It is a miserable experience to be stuck with a bully. And it's hard to get yourself free.
But you can -- and you should. Here's how:
Start by admitting to yourself and a trusted friend that you are being bullied. Say the words out loud. Say, "I am letting so-and-so bully me." This will give you some immediate relief. It will remove the added pressure of having to rationalize your unbalanced relationship with someone who clearly hasn't your best interest at heart.
Next, set a time limit for liberating yourself. It could be a week, a month, or three months, depending on how entangled your relationship is.
Set intermediate goals and write them down in your monthly, weekly, and even daily to-do lists. Give yourself specific objectives, such as "Today I will respond to his taunts by saying, 'Jack, I don't think that is a fair comment.'"
Free yourself bit by bit. If you try to force too much too soon, you will probably get yourself into an emotional situation that is over your head.
Gradually, the bully will notice that the relationship is changing. He will sense the power moving back to you. He may try to resist it, try to seduce you one more time, try almost everything as he gets desperate.
Hold strong. Just accomplish one small objective at a time. Before you know it, you will be in the catbird seat (see today's Word to the Wise). And you'll feel like a brand-new, newly powerful person.
* * * * * * * * * * * ADVERTISEMENT * * * * * * * * * * * *
NEED MORE CLIENTS...
CLIENTS are waiting for your Professional Services.
Reach out to over a million serious investors - and
thousands of potential clients with amazing ease. Put
some of the most successful online marketers in the
world to work promoting your professional services - for
less than $4.50 a week. It’s inexpensive. Easy. And
fully Guaranteed. If you want more clients - and more
info - click here:
http://www.agora-inc.com/reports/ASP/WantClients
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rich people like to (a) think of themselves as rich, (b) hang out with other rich people, (c) be flattered and deferred to, (d) get good deals because they are rich, and (e) be considered sophisticated and worldly. Rich people mostly want the same things everyone else wants, but they feel as if they should get more of them, more quickly -- and the best of what there is. Keep all this in mind if you market to them. (See Message #349, "What Is a VIP Customer -- and What Does He Want?)
* * * * *
* * * * *
LIVING RICH: FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
Good Years For Bordeaux
French reds from the Bordeaux region are generally considered to be among the best wines in the world. In fact, they are really the standard against which all other wines are measured. If you like wine or want to be knowledgeable about it, you have to taste a lot of Bordeaux.
Bordeaux's main grape is the Cabernet. This is a great grape that, when young, has tannic-y must (juice) that gives you that icky feeling at the back of your teeth. For a Bordeaux to become "balanced" (a very important word in the wine world), it needs to age so that its tannins can become less "pronounced." (Another important word.)
So when you order French Bordeaux, the older the better. Usually. It's unlikely you'll want to spend what it costs to order a Bordeaux that's more than 10 or 11 years old, but even if you were willing to part with the $100-plus it would take, you'd need to be very careful about what you picked to make sure you got good value for your money.
My advice: Stick with Bordeaux made after 1990. The good vintages have been 1990, 1995, 1996, and 1997. For your wine cellar, buy 1996s and 1997s. They will give you the best value. At a restaurant, order a 1990 if you can. Otherwise, it's better to select a wine that doesn't require as much aging -- a Merlot or Syrah, for example.
* * * * *
In response to our discussion on grammar in Message #335 ("Logophiles, Listen Up. Buy This Book -- or Else"), FF (a.k.a. Dad) says:
I wish you would say something about the automatic "and I" that you hear everywhere. On a film shoot the other day, I was outside with another man and called inside to find if I was needed. "Did they call for Joe or me?" was my question. The response, haughty because I was known as a former English prof, was "Don't you mean 'call for Joe or I?'" Of course, I meant what I said, but so widespread is the notion that the only first-person pronoun that can follow "and" or "or" is "I" that I hear many national celebrities and politicos constantly denying the objective case. It's not a big deal, but the French, Spanish, and Italian people don't fracture the simpler rules of grammar in their language. Only Americans feel dispensed from grammar-school knowledge. The mistake may be due to dim memories of their mothers teaching them politeness. "Don't say 'me and Joe want a cookie'; it's 'Joe and I want a cookie.'"
MMF
* Tuesday's Action Brief: Get more out of all those books you're reading
* Word to the Wise: Fuchsia